Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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