Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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