so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
