I cockslap morals
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
