My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
