Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
