Michael Bay diarrhea
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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