Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
