It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
