you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
