Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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