I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
