She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
