I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize