Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm having to shit out rocks
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
