Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
