why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
