I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
