if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I skipped work to stalk him.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
