woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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