drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
