I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
