Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
