The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
