She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
