Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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