did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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