she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
