Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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