I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
