GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
