just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
