I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
