Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
