that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
May the power of my ass compel you!!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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