Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
