She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
