HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
