I'm eating all of the evidence.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
