come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
