Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
