I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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