I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
