he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
