on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
