Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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