John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
