Old men and throwing up are my life now.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
