walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You need Xanax blowdarts
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize