he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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