I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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