im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize