True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
