Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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