Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
