I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
