I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
