They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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