I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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