Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
