girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize