So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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