listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
